is it me? or does it seem like the older we get, the more temporary the world around us becomes?

a new and now dear friend to me wrote this. and it made me so sad.  and for some time, i too was stricken with this feeling of frustrated and grief for the impermanence in all things in this world...and in the ways that everything can be so casual and temporary.  but now i see, that though this can be largely true, it doesn't have to be all that we see - a reality cold and lacking in warmth.  for there is warmth to be found if we look around and really take the time to discover the small ways in which people do or did conversely care now or once upon a time...and come to understand that though life is always going to be unfair and can be painful - there is always a chance for hurt and betrayal, but each pain and struggle is rewarded by a lesson and each  lesson comes with a bit of warmth.  and everything from a friendship to an experience is nothing but a promise of something new, an enrichment in our lives...bitter or sweet or both.

in the last year - i've been dealt a change and a life call.

a life call that made me realize i am no longer that timid 23 year old girl of my past but a woman of 26. that things had to change.
after a crazy period of anguish and self disovery i've realized that i am now someone who has actually achieved all she has wanted to in 3 years and monumentally more- in some respect, though i'm no where near the peak of where i would have liked to be when i was 15 and wishing tiny tina well but when i put things in perspective and think about all i have managed to accomplish and do...and i see all the ways that this city and the amazing people I have come to know in it, which i was so initially against living in and to knowing (I hated the weather, couldn't even walk two blocks without yearning for my car, felt a total stranger to everyone around me and longed for the suburban facade of safety and was scared to death the city would eat me alive and that i'd find no roots in such a jungle) has become my home and such an intricate identifying part of my being.  i have roots here now - solid roots i planted with my own two hands and with the helping hands of a few caring souls; roots that have been nurtured to grow with love with the help of friends and personal/professional growth.  i have friends here, memories, social and professional networks i can't imagine my life being without.  this city inspires within me a sense of adventure and challenge that excites and motivates me to no end daily.  every day is some grand gift wrapped up in the messy dressings i usually manage to wrap my gifts in and inside, are delights that unfold in delicious short stories and tremendous emotions, thoughts, feelings and experience - from joy, amusement, pain, love, loneliness, happiness, betrayal, sincerity, forgiveness, struggle, strife, yearning, connecting, micommunicating, exhaustion, exhileration, achievement, failure, backstabbing that has taught me to be a little less trusting but still ever faithful that having a bit of thick skin and a whole lot of heart will get you through, to heartfelt bonding of having gone through unique experiences with people who will undoubtedly be friends for a lifetime still...lessons and experiences upon themselves never ending each bringing greater self discovery and deeper gratitude for every second that i am granted more. 

as of late, i've been healing, reflecting, amusing, enjoying, relaxing, embracing the changes that are happening around me.
and as a result i've been blessed with being able to come to know that friends existing will truly be here for me - no matter how alone i may feel...
that no matter how busy we all are or how distant we may at times be from one another, i do have some incredibly generous and caring people to count on. especially when the going gets tough and i crash and burn and nothing seems right.  that no matter the circumstances, people do really have the capacity to care if you cared for them in the past as well or for the sake of caring.  for every friend i discover or reconnect with...for every friendship i get to know better and have a chance to deepen...is a lesson, a blessing, a gift ten fold in my life.  friendship, i have learned is a more difficult thing to form and build upon as an adult, but if you have a little faith and try to be there for people too, you will find friendship in the most unlikely and delightful situations...and i don't know what the future holds, but i do want to express my gratitude and appreciation for all of the friends who have strengthened their ties with me or allowed me to be a part of their lives or who are mere acquaintances yet, all of whom care as much as i do about connecting and hopefully becoming people we can all lean on and be here for someday.  thank you to all of you who have put aside energy and time to hold my hand during a period when i felt so lost again.  i am beginning the new chapters of my life now, i have found a bit of solid ground again...i've made it through the thick of my time of need.

thank you for being in my life, i could not have made it without your support, concern and love...from APO to friends dating as far back as the scoolyard years to friends new and friends who have been a constant for quite a few tumultuous years, to coworkers who prove to have hearts of gold, to clients and fellow students and xangans and friends beginning, friends lost, even friends found in exes, friends rediscovered and one who has left us to a better place - you have all been friends true in your own way, i truly hope you are all here to stay and that we can all enrich our lives together.  and please...should you ever be in need, call or write this person you know...i will try my best to be here for you too and am hoping i can be and will prove to be a friend to you as well, because as temporary as everything can seem to be in this world and lifetime...from friendships to phases and chapters in our life, they're only temporary in the grand scheme of things.  but everything is as what we want them to be, there are always ways to connect, revisit, rediscover, create and build upon the past - to change the future and create a better tomorrow. tiny blessings are everywhere, of friendship, of strength within of hope and tomorrow. yes...i might be an idealistic, optimistic idiot...but there is some beauty in the chaos of such a temporary period in our lives. everything is in flux and yes it's insane, but there's so much room to build upon and reinforce! and if you really think about it, there's so little time to sit here wasting away feeling hurt or angry or sad when we could be embracing, discovering, enjoying and exploring!  so much to do and try in so little time! let's go celebrate all that life has to offer together!!  Everyday is a new start and an adventure to be explored...I CAN'T WAIT!

After months, a year, years of agonizing why and how we had gotten so
off track...and how you felt and trying to understand us better and
needing you to give a damn back and not really knowing who i was or how
i even hoped we could be etc.  I realized maybe you don't know either
and maybe there are no answers.  And I started to care more about how I
felt and now I have realized it's not about you or us.  It needs to be
about me and you separately.  Because since you don't know about you or
us either...there's really no point in going there.  It does no one any
good. And in the end now, I realize I don't really need to know
anymore, maybe things are just better this way.  It meant what it meant to each of us...the memories will
always be there...it is what it is now.

I don't know how things got so bad at the end that we couldn't even talk. 
I can't fathom that you had little kind sentimental words...even in farewell.
My apologies if my having to come to terms with all of that was a mess...I guess I missed you and all that hoping that things could be different and you would suddenly know what you wanted and all of that..it was just me projecting my sadness not being able to understand that somethings..just have no explanation, no rhyme or reason..they just are. feelings just are...nothing we can do about that.  thanks for being the stern, strong, resolved one as always.  God knows my convictions are always tangled in emotion.  At least you were decisive for once!  Huzzah to you!
But I have come to realize it makes no real difference in the end.
I'm fine either way.  It took me a while. But I'm done worrying about an us that is so evidently not anymore.  I mourned it, I tore it apart and put it all back together a thousand times...I've come to terms with it...and it's all okay.  Everything happens for a reason.  Somethings are beyond comprehension..it's just the way the world works.

Too much energy has been expended on a cause that I only took the time to try and do something with and understand.
I'm retiring it now.  I still want you to have the best life possible and still wish you well.  I know we're both going to be fine and dandy.  We're just different.

I do want you to mean what you said though and if all of this ever meant anything at all and you meant it when you said you want to be friends someday...when the time is right and you are ready too - please do make an effort to be a friend like you say you want to.  I'm open to that eventually.  It's probably a good idea knowing how we can both get about things to have someone know the other that well and call each other on it.  We know each other so well...we shouldn't lose the friend we once had and the one we could rediscover later that is probably better than the friend before.  Take all the time you need.  I will too. I'm sure we'll always be anima amico...just not in the way we were.  It's just another mystery of life. C'est la vie. I suppose. 

I hope you find your peace and happiness and I hope I continue to do so as well.

Try looking within.  Try to enjoy your life. 
Take care...in the end you only have yourself and you have to take care to love that person!!! n'oublie pas!  Catch you later mon ami!

everything is changing.

i hope that this time around..things will be more permanent.
everything from happiness, career, hobbies and interest pursuing and most of all friendships.
as i get older, i see the need for complicated melodramas being unnecessary. drama is drama. what is past is past. small things should be small things.
i'd really like to have a core group to count on - i have a handful of solid friends who i know will always be in my life and mine in theirs. we'll just be this way because our friendships have been tested and proven...not time or space shatters the fact that we can always call on each other or that we'll be a part of each others lives.  i also have various acquaintances, who i may not be very close to, but know are cool people.

what's missing but hard to truly build upon is a solidarity - a group to trust, lean on, hang out with and always be for each other what everything else in life lacks.

there's this promise of friendship lately...which i hope will prove to be sure, it would be nice to have a base where everyone cares and knows your name and will no doubt be there for you for a change.

actually i hope that we'll all be here for each other, years down the road...that future is yet to be seen but that would be nice
for a change with everyone in my life i am grateful.

sometimes i wonder, if its worth letting anyone in.
usually, historically ive kept a safe distance.  that way there's no room for hurt.
caution to the wind has left me lonely though...and i discovered that its not good to have a bunch of meaningful or meaningless but unsteady friendships...there's a certain grace to having a solid net to fall on.  stable and steady, always ready.
so these days i'm taking baby steps and hoping that true friendships will form steadily and with time - trust takes a while
the true test is if ppl can be counted on when u r out and when things might not be fair weathered. if ppl will be real with you back.

i wear all my intentions and heart on my sleeve.  one sleeve for each i suppose.
and i always hope for the best. everyone gets a chance..a benefit of the doubt.
in my life, i've kind of just gone about the way it is...tina is tina.
happy is happy. sad is sad. just trying to be here for everyone...people pleaser who is beginning to discover the world and how to make me happy too.what u see is what u get. unless i'm trying to be cheerful to avoid having people be sad. i'm so shitty at subtext and motives...what is say and do is what i mean and do...

lately.i feel very blessed to have found some people who i've enjoyed the company and frienship of...of having fun with...it's going to be great to just spend time to really build trust and get to know one another and create a solid foundation..enjoy life and find sparkles of happiness on the sidewalk of life.

freindships should be something that slowly but surely with time and getting to know each other...become something to trust. no questions needed, no complicated subtext and doubt.  what u see should be what u get and u shouldn't ever have to doubt that you'll be there for each other and that u'll always be around for life's many joys...and let downs.  =)

speaking of let downs and friendships...someone who promised to be a friend..should try to be a friend. if the effort cannot even be taken to take the time and energy to just reach out to someone...then u r not a friend. ur too selfish and absorbed in yourself to really understand what it is to be here for other people or to just respect that life should be enjoyed and people cherished and appreciated and valued....i'm letting all untrue people out of my life.  go away. come again...never.  life is too short wasting energy and time trying to understand and accept people who aren't going to make the same effort to get to know u and give a shit about u back.

so...ask me and i'll tell u...for once...i'm really enjoying the simple things in life and getting to try everything i used to and having so much fun with the idea that there are actually a lot of great people out there...friends, new and kinda old and old...who have and hopefully always will care and be here and can be counted on in time. =)  lucky is the one who has a true friend that doesn't need to be doubted.

--------This Saturday--------

I'm
going to be promoting the Warner Bros. Pictures release of LUCKY YOU
which stars Drew Barrymore and Eric Bana at SUEDE SF and opens this
Friday, May 4th in theaters everywhere.

luckyyoumovie.warnerbros.com

BE SURE TO COME BY EARLY!!

Visionshock
will be bringing you chances to win prizes and sountracks from the film
LUCKY YOU starring Drew Barrymore and Eric Bana while you wait in line
and get an opportunity to mingle and meet new friends.
^__^

VisionshockSF
is also working with the Asian Women's Shelter to raise awareness about
violence in our lives. Raffle ticket donations or proceeds will go
towards their cause. Prizes include dining with Survivor participants
Yul Kwon and Becky Lee, jetcopter ride and much more! For more info
goto: http://www.sfaws.org/5_support/sup_turning_tide.html

This is going to be one fun filled event you don't want to miss!!

-------------------Capacity
is limited and VisionShockSF reserves the right to refuse entry to
people who are underdressed. Please come in the proper attire to ensure
entry.

GUESTLIST complimentary before 10:30pm, discounted before 11:00pm

Table Booth Reservations. Our VIP, birthday,and special occasion packages are a guarantee that you can enjoy agreat, hassle-free night of partying like a rockstar. Packagesinclude: VIP Passes, Unlimited Guestlist, a comfortable complimentary
table. One bottle minimum required per table. Table RSVP is notmandatory. Please contact ..>..> info@visionshocksf.com to book your partypackage.

Must be 21+.