May 11, 2007

  • Scotty

    After months, a year, years of agonizing why and how we had gotten so
    off track...and how you felt and trying to understand us better and
    needing you to give a damn back and not really knowing who i was or how
    i even hoped we could be etc.  I realized maybe you don't know either
    and maybe there are no answers.  And I started to care more about how I
    felt and now I have realized it's not about you or us.  It needs to be
    about me and you separately.  Because since you don't know about you or
    us either...there's really no point in going there.  It does no one any
    good. And in the end now, I realize I don't really need to know
    anymore, maybe things are just better this way.  It meant what it meant to each of us...the memories will
    always be there...it is what it is now.

    I don't know how things got so bad at the end that we couldn't even talk. 
    I can't fathom that you had little kind sentimental words...even in farewell.
    My apologies if my having to come to terms with all of that was a mess...I guess I missed you and all that hoping that things could be different and you would suddenly know what you wanted and all of that..it was just me projecting my sadness not being able to understand that somethings..just have no explanation, no rhyme or reason..they just are. feelings just are...nothing we can do about that.  thanks for being the stern, strong, resolved one as always.  God knows my convictions are always tangled in emotion.  At least you were decisive for once!  Huzzah to you!
    But I have come to realize it makes no real difference in the end.
    I'm fine either way.  It took me a while. But I'm done worrying about an us that is so evidently not anymore.  I mourned it, I tore it apart and put it all back together a thousand times...I've come to terms with it...and it's all okay.  Everything happens for a reason.  Somethings are beyond comprehension..it's just the way the world works.

    Too much energy has been expended on a cause that I only took the time to try and do something with and understand.
    I'm retiring it now.  I still want you to have the best life possible and still wish you well.  I know we're both going to be fine and dandy.  We're just different.

    I do want you to mean what you said though and if all of this ever meant anything at all and you meant it when you said you want to be friends someday...when the time is right and you are ready too - please do make an effort to be a friend like you say you want to.  I'm open to that eventually.  It's probably a good idea knowing how we can both get about things to have someone know the other that well and call each other on it.  We know each other so well...we shouldn't lose the friend we once had and the one we could rediscover later that is probably better than the friend before.  Take all the time you need.  I will too. I'm sure we'll always be anima amico...just not in the way we were.  It's just another mystery of life. C'est la vie. I suppose. 

    I hope you find your peace and happiness and I hope I continue to do so as well.

    Try looking within.  Try to enjoy your life. 
    Take care...in the end you only have yourself and you have to take care to love that person!!! n'oublie pas!  Catch you later mon ami!